A Few Testimonials; Going it Alone; Pain and Suffering - Unnecessary Suffering - Schedenfreude - 198
Thank you Leslie Wilson and others for the thoughts.
A Few Testimonials
Kevin Muldoo:n I am happy that you have recovered. As mentioned previously you were, in regards to Paul James, an honourable man. While there have been some awkward moments you ultimately cared about my well being. I know that. I was at times clumsy and awkward in dealing with life's impediments and personal insecurities and so I can see where I would have been difficult to be around at times. It was unrealistic for me to expect others to always reciprocate understanding when devoid of information. Wishing you and Judy all the very best and continued happiness.
It has been a long time Bruce Twamley since we last communicated. I hope you are well. Just know for what it is worth to you. You should have been the Canadian World Cup coach once Holger left. You and your staff would have been Canada's best chance of qualifying for the World Cup since 1986. It perhaps best sums up the immaturity of the Canadian soccer environment and culture that you were by passed by. It was an incompetent political decision to do so. Not a competent one. Your achievements as a national team coach on the men's side were far better than those who preceded and followed you. You had the ability, nous and experience to not only maximize the potential of what was at your disposal but in fact to overachieve. Francophone games and Youth team in Malaysia in 1997 were stellar accomplishments among others.
Les. When I read all that you have achieved I sometimes feel I never had a soccer career. Of course I did but it pales in comparison. No matter what you may feel about the culture and others around you in BC or the nation they can never take away what the facts are. You navigated your way through.
Chris. Les provided me with an outline of your soccer background. It is so impressive. Embarrassed I didnt know it at the level I shouldI have. As I wrote to you previously, Kevin talked so highly of you and Bruce. I am happy you connected when you did.
And Sharon. You know I respect you as a person and friend. Bob Bearpark was the one who believed in me more than anyone else. He detected confidence was the issue with Paul J James, understood why and knew what to do about it. He was the epitome of Mitfreude. A wonderful man. I appreciate what you have committed to with regard to Paul J James over the past three and a half years. Thank you again.
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Going it Alone
While I appreciate the efforts in connecting me to Alan Hudson who has an immense soccer background and personal story it is not the right move for me to build a relationship with Alan or anyone else at this stage.
Sometimes in life you have to go it alone in fighting for justice because the impediments of not doing so are too great with the complexities you are dealing with beyond the comprehension of others. What I see as visible others do not. It is a prudent decision at this stage not an arrogant one.
While I am sure Alan Hudson is a great person
I respectfully decline the opportunity for further connection.
You should note I turned down Multi-EMMY Winner Mike Youngs not insignificant offer to be a part of a film production on a football movie and an even higher amount was being discussed for a documentary. However it would have muddied the truth (Bob Rae, YU and the Liberals); and so again I turned it down.
Also retracted an application for the University of Toronto job at 120,000 dollars which was a set up at the expense of social justice. Along with a decade of injustice and so much financial, personal loss and pain I declined the approach to apply on my behalf on principle of the stigmatization which facilitated it. It was also on the heels of The Toronto Stars savagery. Bad Politics. Mitigating and ongoing coverup.
Have good reason not to trust built up over a life time.
Instead continued to fight for the greater good on the issue so misaligned and stigmatized to millions of people around the globe.
The truthful narrative in the Paul James matter will one day be delivered truthfully, not manipulated. It is not what I ever wanted. Often feel my life has been one dreadful humiliation after another. I didn't sacrifice so much believing or wishing for this. But it is where I am at.
After the CBC, Toronto Star, National Post taking such liberty along with some in the soccer community I cannot enter any more rabbit holes.
Of course in taking this path I remained on the street, sleeping on concrete, with the added personal anxiety of accepting charity. If you know anything of what it is to be homeless. Well. It is absolutely gruesome. Sleep deprivation torture. It was the price to pay to fuel the anger to keep going. Without anger social justice and social change cannot always be achieved. Especially as a one man show against such malevolence. But it is not possible for you to feel the emotion based on your non direct experience of the issue, which from your own perspective is a very good thing.
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Pain and Suffering
Everyone has their story unique to the person. I am as different to Alan Hudson as he is to me as we are to you.
Pain and Suffering enters our lives in many different forms.
We are all destined to feel pain both physical and psychological as a part of living through our own unique lifes. Some have more extreme suffering than others. But we all suffer at some point.
Randomness of accidents and illness. Alan Hudson gets hit by car. Paul James hits telegraph pole with car. Bob Bearpark has his life taken away as a consequence of cancers viciousness at a similar time as my Auntie Diane, whom I was very close to. The knowledge of both delivered suffering. Not at the level of Sharon or others but suffering nevertheless.
My mother has dementia. I haven't seen my family in 3 and a half years. If I went there tomorrow I would be treated as an outcast. All my scrapbooks and momentoes were thrown in the garbage. It may not be the same suffering of the lovely black lady in the wheel chair at Dundas and George Street but it was/is painful suffering nevertheless.
Unnecessary Suffering
(delivererd by malevolence)
Then there are my current circumstances and the non-correction and coverup of social injustice. It illustrates the ongoing unnecessary suffering delivered by malevolence. The thought disorders of some Canadian organisations and some people.
Meanwhile, thousands upon thousands of US citizens are serving prison sentences as a consequence of wrongful convictions because of the corrupt misconduct of lawyers, police and judges. The ongoing unnecessary suffering delivererd by extreme malevolence.
To be denied Equality of Opportunity (being given the opportunity and right to be employed in a position you are most qualified) is to suffer discrimination.
Unnecessary suffering through discrimination because it is unlawful and infringes on a persons human right to live freely and not criminalised. To subsist with dignity and honour is to be permitted to work.
People who currently face layoffs because of Covoid19 will eventually recover from their circumstance but not I or others with similar conditions because we are subjected to ongoing human rights prejuduce and discrimination. Many jobs applied for since I left York University and I haven't received an email in response. Even turned down for a dishwashing job.
Again. I open up in 2008 to receive support for a mental health issue. I get fired from one position for no reason and removed from another and haven't worked full time since. Only when I publicly starved myself - humiliation and pain like no other - did I get traction and opportunity of low level part time coaching through sympathy not merit.
All that is what it is to face such unnecessary suffering first hatched by the behaviour of York University and some persons within the Canadian Soccer community. The refusal to correct the matter wicked.
Employment discrimination is unlawful. It is isolating. It fuels uncertainty, insecurity, anxiety, stress and poverty. And so do the consequencial calls for you to get on with life. To dry your eyes. Stigma is delivered by ignorance, malevolence or a Nexus of both.
Schedenfreude
Or how about: the unnecessary suffering associated with Schedenfreude?
When people take extreme delight and advantage of a persons pain through excessive malevolent ridicule or undermining of a persons ability or talent because of their own unresolved frailities and abilities and/or a path of least resistance approach.
Jason Devos, Terry Dunfield, Alan Errington, John Molinaro, David Norman, Colin Miller,. Gregor Young, Bobby Lenarduzzi and the list could continue. "Seeking advantage from someone's" misery.
It is in these latter two areas - unnecessary suffering - which encapsulates the Paul J James narrative.
We are all dealt cards in life. Along with our innate resource of personality you deal with them as you see fit or in the best way you can. I always tried to take the high road in spite of the bumps along the way delivererd particularly by those most prone to envy, malevolence and short cuts. It was a mistake I should have confronted.
1986-89 was Dickensian.
It was, The Best of Times it was The Worst of Times. And it shaped the rest of my life. 86 FIFA World Cup; Singapore Bribery (I never threw a game for Canada nor did I keep or bank money,) Correction of my Looks which had subjected me to a life time of dreadful ridicule and turmoil; having to testify in court against others,; Tony Taylor cuts me from the World Cup team after one 45 minute half against Greece in which I played well. But he does something worse he labels me as only a runner and technically hopeless among his players in part because I was Bob Bearparks 'Boy" and not his . A positive strength used against you and on the technical specificity of the right back position he was wickedly wrong.
And four consecutive first team CSL All Star selections proved it. No other national team player delivererd the same. 20 years later Tony acknowledged and sincerely apologized for the decision which surprised me but which I respected. It didn't diminish the impact it had, at the time delivered however. It was traumatic. Made worse by the way he handled it. It ended my international career when it had just started. A scaring label not unlike stigmatization.
Proof was also in the pudding when Canada failed to qualify at the preliminary stage under Tony's guidance in spite of the largest budget of any previous world cup campaigns. I played 47 international games. 41 were completed up to and including 1986. Only ever played 6 more times. It was wrong.
The point being, suffering comes in many forms. And while we could all claim something personal to diminish or ridicule it, the relativity of one persons experience should not be diminished by another's.
Yet, when suffering is in the form of poor mental health it is exactly what happens. We too often "Schedenfreude It" when we are not the ones suffering.
The 1986 period and beyond upon reflection was a period of my life with so much turmoil. The anxiety and insecurity and lack of support dreadful. Rather I was undermined on Singapore by all and sundry but driven by the evilness of David Norman in particular. And he has not stopped. Meanwhile, the ridicule escalated. Grown men delivering such man child malevolence.
Emotionally there was no one in my life. My parents were back in Wales. Yet I did the best I could with the cards dealt. I always brushed myself down and got on with it only to be met by the next malevolent impediment. Just kept going and took the high road when I should have confronted more. But then it was Canada and so it wouldn't have made a difference.
It was not just one circumstance in 1986-89 which made the difference it was the intertwined combination which left deep scares. It is why I left Canada when Bob Lenarduzzi decided to cut Paul J James a week after my best ever game in the 2-2 draw against the United States. Taking David Norman instead. His former roommate. It is not to be pretty all these years later. With all things considered who would want to live in Canada now?
The eventual use of a substance to soothe such turmoil is the essence of substance use facilitated once the pain of social isolation crescendos. To not understand this is to not be human. Is to be ignorant. Is to be blessed with a greater amount of good fortune in having not been in the position to have used a substance so potent out of such need.
Sill tried to do the best I could with the cards which were dealt. I simply cannot express nor do justice to the horror which accompanies working as a National team soccer coach and the use of crack cocaine when you have the personality of Paul James - so stigmatized from the illicit-ness of it. The resulting anxiety of use producing an existential brand of "nothingness," a nothingness I assure you, you never want to visit. It is the outrageously cruel damage the criminalisation of substances delivers. Yet it remains invisible to you all.
When eventually I sought assistance in 2008 after many terrorised years of not doing so, for fear of the consequences, the nightmare then took off at a new level, driven by prejuduce, discrimination, excommunication and deeper isolation. I am aghast to be honest how in the year 2020 I am still breathing.
Saying the last three years 2017-2020 have been the worse period, perhaps best expresses the nature and outcome of my life. And thinking it could be worse is not helpful. Rather it is incorrect thinking not helpful to millions of other who are so vulnerable to treading a similar path without protection of the courts.
Of course I wished it had been different. For that to have happened York University, Canada Soccer, the Canadian media, the Canadian judicial system and Bob Rae needed to be moral, ethical and respectful. Not reckless, unethical, immoral, corrupt and colluded. It s why I can easily label such persons and organisations as sickly evil and cowardly. Not only because it is true. But so that they know what it is to labeled with words they do not like.
Not a lot you can do at this stage Leslie and Co. Aside perhaps from writing to the Prime Minister and demanding the matter is resolved immediately.
Thank you again for your efforts & understanding.
Paul J James
ps. some people have been blind copied
